Submission Closed

Don’t come running for me when I finally make it to my destination.

Your window of opportunity will shortly be closed shut for I will have, by then, found the courage to start anew.

With each new day that comes, I willfully erase some of the writings on the wall and replace them with new Love notes to my Self.

I tell her, you are deserving of everything and more, and I will be the one to give you all that you deserve.

A bountiful and unconditional Love.

You see, I’m working ’round the clock to learn how to better love her —

Don’t come running for me when I finally make it my destination. 

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With The Sun

Woke up this morning feeling really good, y’all. I don’t know exactly where this burst of great energy and vibrations came from, but I’m really thankful it came and it’s here now. Especially with the sun out and booming, I was just reminded of how blessed I am to be alive and living and loving and journeying. Everything in life, including my Self, is constantly changing, but with that change comes more and more opportunities to learn and grow.

It’s almost March and I’m almost certain that nature’s clock is moving twice it’s normal speed, lol. Time is flying, we’re about to be 3 months into 2019. I feel so hopeful about the near future that right now, I’m just so focused on getting things together for school (research, my art, my visions) — in the midst of this tunnel vision, I’ve also been kicking it with this really kind, cool, loving soul. A breath of fresh air to say the least, for sure. But, grateful that the universe mandated the crossing of our paths; it’s almost as though we both needed each other right here, right now. Taking things very slow. Not sure how long we’ll be able to journey together, but nonetheless glad to have and continue experiencing them.

I’m just out here. A little inactive on social media, but very active in life trying to figure it out as I go along with my Self. At this point, I’m just trying to spend more time doing what I love, with who I love y’knw. Hoping that the rewards and blessings will continue to make themselves apparent on their own time, it their own divine timing. I’m not afraid of what’s to come, be it failures or successes.

I’m just ready. Open. Determined. 

Getting stronger every day. Some days/weeks are definitely better than others, but when I take a moment to breathe and return to my Self and my vision I’m even more determined than before.

Thank you, Uni. Thank you, Sun — I am with you in your graces and power and light. 

Oh, Hey You. Been Looking For You.

*licks tip of ballpoint pen* Chapter 2019, here we are.

What an amazing year 2018 was. So many new faces, places and experiences. So many new emotions and feelings. So many lessons learned, both the easy and hard way. I faced a ton of my lifelong fears and opened my heart up even when it felt like it was the hardest thing I could do in mourning a love lost. I found new love in new friends and passions. I felt pain and cried my self to sleep a couple of times while isolating my self from the world. Time and time again, I re-committed myself to a journey of radical self love and healing from within. I found love within my self in places I’ve never looked before. That was my favorite part, and fortunately that was how I ended my year of 2018.

& here I am now.

17 days into 2019 and I already feel like a completely different Liz. I’ve had some necessary physical space clearings the first couple days of January by universal forces and re-directing of energy + love. It was bittersweet to let go of some connections I made last fall, both romantic and platonic, but it was for the best. They were no longer serving me and it took me months to realize that I needed to let these energies go.

I shifted my stance, expanded my healing circle, looked my Self in the mirror and made a promise to the marvelous human I saw in reflection. I made a promise to me to pour everything I had into Her. The energy I expended trying to love others who were not ready to reciprocate that energy, I began to give back to Her.

I joined a yoga and meditation studio. I got a gym membership. I’m working to clean up my vegan diet. I’m writing more. I’m looking to find ways to push my creative capabilities in photography. I’m actively trying to manifest amazing things for the future. I’m working in Love to deepen and ground my connection with my Self in my Self.

All of these healing practices to physically stretch my body so that when more challenging times arrive, I’ll be better able to adapt. Working to strengthen my physical heart so that I can handle a Love so magnificent when it comes (although its already here within me) and I’m able to pour more Love effectively and efficiently into others that are deserving.

Learning new ways to push my body, mind, spirit, soul to help me grow into the highest version of my Self. & so far, I’m having a great time on this journey. I’m so thankful to be here living, breathing, loving, exploring, learning etc. I feel amazing.

If you want to have a life that is worth living, a life that expresses your deepest feelings and emotions and cares and dreams, you have to fight for it. – Alice Walker

To Be Ir/responsible

Me: I want to live my best life and meet dope folks. I want to date around, explore my different options and maybe fall in love here and there. I want to experience life differently everyday and learn something new about my Self, the world, everyone, and everything.

Also me: I want to live my best life as my worst self (irresponsibly) just for right now and get caught up. I want to get slightly messy and explore the option I know probably isn’t the best decision for what may follow as a result of that resolve.

Reality: My heart grows heavy with so much love and I find myself in this chaotic situation between my heart and brain. I begin to get caught up with feelings and my emotions run amok, and as a result of all of this heightened energy I eventually cave in to my Self. I turn inward to do follow up with some necessary maintenance things and realize I was trying to take on more than I can handle – whatever it may look like be it through an experience or person. Then I’m faced with yet another realization that, “no you can’t have it all, and even if you wanted to you’re not responsible enough to know how to handle the scattered energy.”

My recent involvements with some amazing folks have inspired me to do a quick check-in with my Self and flesh out some ideas/thoughts that have accumulated in my consciousness regarding our emotional entanglements — that itself is sort of a funny way to put it, but that’s just how I imagine it all to look like metaphysically…all interwoven af.

So with all of this right, you know..wanting to live responsibly and irresponsibly at the same time, how does one (myself) find this nirvana-like balance between it all. Is there a way to compromise with my best and worst Self? Is it me being my worst Self if I want to live candidly without regard for consequences that may follow? What if I don’t make it to the next present moment to see those consequences? And, when I mention this I know to some it could most certainly be a worrisome thought. It also depends on who’s looking and when we’re looking , but at the same time I think it’s just my way of considering different real ass possibilities.

— I don’t know.

 

Just For Me

Today, I spent $20 on; what is now, one of my favorite gifts I’ve given to my Self to date. I came across this beautiful black man who was sitting by the wayside in Dekalb Market Hall amidst a bustling crowd of hungry folks writing poems on demand.

At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend the money on a personally written poem, but I thought to my Self, “maybe, he’ll be able to help me communicate some feelings I’ve been harboring for a while now.” Then I thought, “and plus, I should support this brother man trying to do his thing.” So I struck up a small conversation and told him I’d like my poem to be about letting go. He then continued to ask me to get a little bit more specific about this letting go topic —

I replied, “letting go of past relationships, insecurities, and fears of the future.. oh and connecting to my inner power and divine feminine energy.” I know, what a mouth full. 

But I figured, hey for $20, he must be good. Let’s see what he comes up with.

2 minutes later, he went to typing on his gorgeous vintage type writer. He’d stop here and there, turn his head from side to side as if he was juggling the different thoughts of what he wanted to write and selecting which one was best, and continue to write with fervor. I was excited. Once he was finished, I made him sign it with a pen. I went about my day and hurried to catch the train so I could read my personal poem while en route home.

I was taken away, with the train and with Lynn’s words. It was the most beautiful thing I read in a while, and what made it even  more beautiful was that it was just for me. A new memory to add to my time capsule of this current life chapter.

It was the best $20 I spent today (11/4/2018). Just so I could keep it in my digijournal I’ve copied his words below:

I guess you left 

but I held on to a thought 

and the contents

of exposure

made the Love once fused 

come unglued 

 

and the seed that 

made the tree 

Made me hate me 

more than you 

Unaware  I didn’t 

want to end as an enemy 

 

Never for me

not for you 

I want to love the woman 

in my smile 

and forget about the missteps

of yesterday 

to think about now 

 — Lynn the Poet @ Dekalb Market Hall 

We’re Friends Again Atlanta

Tonight is my last night in Atlanta. These past five days have been nothing short of amazing. I’m really sitting here in my hotel room at 1:18am just speechless – I’m so grateful. My alma mater Spelman, my sisters, my friends, my mentors, my Morehouse brothers, the people I met in passing/riding Uber/sitting in the shoe store asking for advice, my health.. I’m so thankful for it all.

I’m definitely in my bag. Not ready to leave yet. 

The last time I was in Atlanta was back in April, I could not wait to get my ass up out of here. Some things went down with a former significant other as well as other folks and my whole trip became a bust.

Things just went so much better this time around. I was surrounded by so much love, joy,  and good vibrations. From the moment I landed, to this moment right now as I sit and reflect; listening to Ella Mai (Gut Feeling ft. H.E.R.), the feeling of fullness has just been here. Also, you never know how just a simple smile could really impact a moment. Smiles are powerful.

Life is truly a beautiful gift and I’m so lucky to be here, right now, in this moment, in this body experiencing every moment of it. Nothing’s better than watching a crowd full of black people, a sea of endless smiles, just vining out and enjoying themselves. That sight gives fills my heart with so much joy.

I really didn’t have much to say, but just wanted to take a second to reflect and express gratitude for such a great time this weekend. The universe was on my side. 

Atlanta. It’s been real. I’ll be back be soon enough. Love you.

Forgiving Myself

It’s time to forgive myself for what ever has been pressing on my mind and heart lately from anything; or everything, that has occurred in the past up until this point. It may be time to push even harder in this winter season of big changes and letting go.

I’ve been holding to too much and it’s been weighing on me a little bit more visibly now than ever before. Now let’s be clear. I feel as though part of it is because I have a natural aptitude to feel things, emotions, people, and vibes very deeply. However, this much of it can’t be harbored in my soul space because these holdings are no longer self-serving.

It may be time to realize I’ve been feeling a number of ways because I am blaming myself for many of the things that happened; when in retrospect, they were either beyond my control or necessitating future growth experiences and blessings.

Forgiving myself for I was only doing what I believed and truly felt was solely for my own soul being.  My intentions were far from trying to hurt the ones I loved the most.

I also need to forgive myself for taking this long to acknowledge that things were not okay..

I’m ready to replace those thoughts with ones that are more serving to this conscious journey I entrusted myself with in the beginning of this year.

 

No, Really. Thank You For Everything.

If you want to learn a lot about yourself, enter into a romantic relationship. Your life will change. Perceptions of yourself will radically change — your notion of “self” will change. Everything will look very different from how you used to know it for relationships challenge parts of yourself you never really payed attention to. They become a mirror for some of your best and worst traits. They become a space for endless possibilities of personal change.

Today marked the end and yet another beginning of another chapter in my life. My significant other and I decided that our relationship was no longer serving us the way we wanted it to and it wasn’t the best thing for us at this moment in our lives. We felt it coming and honestly, I’m really proud of how we decided to handle everything.

If I can be even more honest, I’m thankful for having been engaged with a man like him. Coming out of a former long-term relationship left me unknowing of what the next romantic endeavor would look like for myself. However, he made the transition much better than I could’ve ever imagined. His patience and ambition for wanting our relationship to soar meant the world to me. I didn’t think I’d be able to commit myself again after my former partner, but he made me feel comfortable and even more courageous to open myself up once again to Love.

But, as we grow older we come to learn that there are many other things working beyond our own reality that cultivates a space for what’s truly meant for us. We knew things were moving in a different direction. Our timing, our locations, our baggage was tremendously impacting the way we connected with each other. The way we lived our separate lives also played a great role in it as well — him a working person; with a starkly different social life than I somewhere northern of the Bronx, and I, a very involved Graduate student in the southern heart of New York City. Our schedules never really seemed to match up.

Really, all in all, I think it was time and it was for the best. We tried our best to hold on, but it was that exact act of holding on that told us we needed to Let go now more than ever to preserve our good relations.

I’m sad, yes. Heartbroken? No. He didn’t break my heart. He only opened it a little more. That’s why I deeply appreciate him and our time together.

He’s right. What we both need is time and space for us to self-reflect. To figure out what would be best for us (separately) in our lives. 

I can only agree. So many things have changed in the past couple months and are continuing to change at an immense rate. Having no time to really unpack life, I found myself lugging around so much literal and metaphorical baggage. I think this time to my Self, to be with myself, will be really good.

This will be a chapter for Me. No committed romantic involvements. No saying yes when I really want to say No. No saying no when I really want to say Yes. No doubting my abilities to be everything I’ve ever dreamed of becoming and absolutely, no missing out on any more opportunities to learn how to Love my Self even more. I need to return to exploring with my Self, getting lost in new spaces, and wandering off to where my heart feels most attracted.

Thank you, CCW. You’ve taught me so much at time where I thought I knew it all — about my capacity to Love agin, to challenge myself and thoughts, to understand a different kind of committed romantic engagement, and to just open my Self. I didn’t think it was possible at the time, but you helped me. I was heartbroken, hurt, rigid, stuck, etc.. 

I needed this more than I knew. I deem this as the perfect moment for Me to release and reimagine. To let go. To receive. To Love. To Explore.. me.

& of course, as we know. This isn’t a goodbye, but a see you later. 

Sending immense Love, Peace, and Nurturing Vibes your way.

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.” TNH

If I Could Be Any Animal Right Now I’d Be A Bird

If I could be any animal right now, in this moment at 8:47pm, in Brooklyn, NY on September 23, 2018.. I’d be a bird. A bird whose ability to fly long distance will allow her to just go, for hours and hours on end.

I want to get away for a little, I want to retreat into the most hidden forestry parts of the world and perch myself on the limbs of a dozen century old tree and meditate. I want to be alone with my thoughts in the middle of nature. I need a re-nourishment of some sorts — whatever the Universe sees fit to bring me back to peace with myself, I need it.

If I could be any animal right now, I’d be a bird. I’d fly to the top of a high rise building in New York City and star gaze for hours and hours on end. I’d converse with the Universe about what’s been going on and the feelings I’ve been feeling inside for some time now. I’d converse with the Universe about how it’s been hard to deal with some unclaimed baggage; not sure how to really release, but it’s just been heavy.

I’ve been pushing myself to celebrate and pour Love by the gallons into others, but have been forgetting to maintain a healthy amount for my Self. I haven’t been giving back to my Self and it’s been showing. Not to others, but to myself. I can even feel it.

I’ve been so happy and sad at the same time. Can that be a thing? Can someone be happy and sad at the same time? How can it feel as so when I’ve been surrounded by amazing people these past couple of weeks? It’s like when I step foot inside, it starts to dawn on me that I have things that still need figuring out and I go into high stress mode. Just the thought of dealing with unclaimed baggage, thrusts me into a whirlwind of emotions and feelings.

I feel things so damn deeply and it’s such a blessing and a curse at the same time. No feeling goes unnoticed, no emotion goes unnoticed.

A chance to just let it go without any consequences or feelings of irresponsibility. If I could be any animal right now in this moment, I’d be a bird.

Fly, bird. 

Feels Like Summer

I don’t usually pay attention to new music nor the most recent music releases from Childish Gambino, but I’m feeling different about this jam Feels Like Summer. For the past couple of days I’ve been constantly hitting play and replay for this song. Something about the acoustics and vibe has me feeling really calm and reflective about this summer. It truly has that end-of-summer-shit-where-did-it-go-don’t-go type energy connected to it — at least that’s how I feel.

There were many things that went right this summer, and there were many things that went a little left from how I envisioned it happening. A lot of disconnections and new connections with people from all over my social sphere. Moving into my new apartment in Brooklyn has been freshening and starting school has been a dramatic joy-ride so far to say the least. I’m at a place now where I’m kind of just sitting here thinking, okay I am where I am now under the circumstances that I did not create so let me just continue to work hard and make the best of what I’ve got. The universe has blessed me in so many areas of my life and I can only be grateful that each experience has only added more depth to my journey of being and [be]coming.

It’s always with the transitions of the seasons that I feel things more deeply and in the middle of connecting the dots between my past, present and future. I know I’m a proponent of the living in the now and being with the present moment fully, but with the way the past has informed my present situation now — I’m only more curious and slightly excited to see what’s on its way to me.

I’ve immersed myself in so many new spaces these past couple of weeks as well. This new romantic space, however, still has me shook. Can’t believe I’m in this again taking on the responsibilities that I wasn’t really expected to meet myself with again any time soon. Honestly, I figured ah, why the hell not. Shit. If it works out, great, if it doesn’t I’m glad I took a chance on someone who at the time made me feel very special. We’re still in it, by the way, but I noticed I’ve had a change of heart regarding romance since coming out of Love with a former significant other. I still (and will always) have much love for the kid, but a sis has got to try her hardest to keep it moving if things are no longer serving a positive purpose at the time being. Last thing I needed was to fall back into old habits and cycles. Boy, did I Love that boy. I wish nothing but blessings and pure joy+peace+happiness+Love for him — the one he’s looking for. 

I do have one request though for the universe. Please stop making me run into former subjects of the past whether it be places, people and things I willingly let go of — that stuff can be triggering. I don’t know, are you trying to tell me something? If you are, I’m going to need more signs for it to be clearer because a sis is genuinely confused. Help me out here. Still thankful, though.

Yo. School? This Masters program? This TA position? This constant surrounding of amazing film and photography icons and scholars? Wow. I love it. I love you, Life.